Sales Resistance 1A

Okay, everybody. Here's yet another chance for all of you to benefit hugely from old K.D.'s extensive experience in the wonderful world of getting ripped off.

When dealing with anyone trying to sell you anything, I offer the following stars to steer by. I guarantee that they will bring you safely into port, and you, the fool, will not be parted from your money:


1. If it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

2. Internet web sites that promise you riches and then ask for a credit card number are always scams.

3. The following Q&A may be a cliché, but you’ll never go wrong keeping it in mind: “When is a salesman lying? When his mouth is moving.”

4. And by the way, things really do break the day after the warranties expire. That’s not your imagination.

5. Never make eye contact with anyone carrying a stack of anything.

6. Ditto anyone carrying a stack of anything who is obviously trying to make eye contact with you.

7. If you see a sign on something that says it’s for sale “as-is,” don’t buy it unless you’re sure you know how to fix it.

8. If you answer the phone and there’s a long silence at the other end, hang up. It’s a telemarketer or a bill collector—the long silence means that the computer which automatically dialed your number is disengaging and they’re getting ready to the put the telemarketer or bill collector through to you. Hang up!

9. Related to #8, caller ID is an essential in the modern world. If you don’t have it, get it.

10. Nobody legitimate sells anything door-to-door anymore. If someone rings your doorbell and tries to sell you something, assume he or she is a crook. Or it might just be the Jehovah’s Witnesses—they still go door to door. But they're usually nice people and at least they’re not going to ask you for a credit card number. Your call.

11. If you put your resume on Craigslist in search of employment, be advised that scammers are actively farming Craigslist for e-mail addresses. If you get an e-mail that purports to be from a recruiter looking to match you up with a job, be very wary. Legitimate recruiters will almost always contact you by phone. E-mail usually means it’s someone trying to recruit sales people or sell you an iPhone.

12. Citigroup is especially aggressive this way, and they will contact you by phone. If you get a call from Citigroup offering you employment in some "management" position,, most likely the job will involve commission sales. Take the call at your own risk.

13. If you’re thinking about buying a new car but haven’t made up your mind yet, don’t just wander up on to a car dealer’s lot. Their salespeople will be on you like ugly on an ape, and your only defense will be flight. Have an escape route planned before you leave the safety of the sidewalk. I find the binoculars-from-across-the-street approach both helpful and safe.

14. If a “career counselor” hands you a service agreement to read and then leaves the room, assume that on the reverse side of it you will find his very hefty fee, not mentioned until that moment.

15. This one is strictly for my former colleagues in the U.S. State Department: never so much as give the so-called Bureau of Diplomatic Security the time of day unless there’s a lawyer present. Those people are looking for promotions, and they’re looking for promotions at your expense. Don’t trust them, ever.

16. If someone is talking to you and he uses your first name three times in one sentence, run for your life. He wants to sell you something.

17. Also, it’s a good idea to keep track of how often that same guy blinks. If he goes for a full minute without blinking, he’s either a crook or a nut. Thus trapped, my m.o. is to say, “Look! a naked lady!” Then when he turns to look, I run.

18. Ask to see the goods, up-front. Take nobody’s word for anything.

19. If you are in fact looking to buy a car, never buy one from a private individual. Always go to a dealer. Even if that Nissan you found on Craigslist looks wonderful, it might have been sitting at the curb or in the guy’s driveway for six months and all of its gizmos and gasmos have deteriorated to the point where it’s just waiting to die.

20. There is no such thing as a legitimate "fat-off" pill. Any product in a bottle that promises to melt fat off you is fake. Some products might indeed suppress your appetite and help you that way, but anything called "Super Fat Magnet" or something of that nature is fake, fake, fake. There is no easy substitute for jogging and meal-replacement shakes.

21. Ronald Reagan said “Trust, but verify.” Well, he had it close. My advice is “Don’t trust to begin with, then you won't have to bother verifying.”

22. If you get an e-mail purporting to offer you a job, and they have the word "Employment" spelled wrong, e.g. "Employement," I'd say that's a safe bet for deletion.