12 (No, 13) reminders that you're well past 40

I drafted these about eight years ago and slipped them into a letter to my late mother. Now that I'm past 50, I can honestly say that they're even truer now than they were then:

1. You feel a surge of pride when you're able to rise from a crouching position without hearing your knees go "crack."

2. You're choosing a pair of pants to wear on a Saturday morning, and decide you really would rather wear baggy corduroys than tight jeans.

3. You're looking through your wallet for a postage stamp and discover that for six months you've been carrying around the business card of a urologist.

4. Instead of throwing that business card away, you remind yourself that you really should make an appointment to see that urologist.

5. You actually do begin seeing your dentist twice a year, as you remember them recommending 20 years ago. (20 years ago you didn't even think about your dentist twice a year.)

6. You catch yourself talking like your father, e.g. "What was wrong with the way we USED to do this?" and "Why can't they leave well enough alone?"

7. You're stuck in traffic alongside some zit-faced moron who has grunge rock or speed rap blasting away at earsplitting levels, and you roll up your car window in a fit of pique, muttering, "They call that shit MUSIC?"

8. You're having a couple of brews in a local tavern, and you admire the way the barmaid fills your glass. (20 years ago you would have been admiring the way she filled her T-shirt.)

9. You finally break down and get glasses, and all the way from the optometrist's office back to your car, you're looking at your reflection in the windows of all the other parked cars and thinking, "You know, on me they don't look so bad."

10. You read in a health magazine that doing deep knee-bends can cause hemorrhoids, and you immediately, without question, quit doing deep-knee bends. (You were getting tired of listening to your knees go "crack," anyway.)

11. You actually read health magazines at all.

12. You catch yourself planning dinner around Wheel of Fortune.

and this one, which just came up:

13. You get "carded" at the grocery store while buying a six-pack of beer, and instead of being annoyed, you want to give the store clerk a big, fat kiss.