Bullet points

Driving around this morning, the following ideas all occurred to me, in no particular order:

--Since we are now returning to Daylight Savings Time two weeks earlier than we used to, and going off it two weeks later than we used to, that means we're only on Standard Time for five months out of the year. That means Standard Time is no longer standard. We ought to call it something else. I suggest "George."

--To fund anti-smoking programs by slapping more taxes on cigarettes is idiotic. Give this one just a moment's thought, if you please. (INSERT LONG PAUSE)... That's right! In order for there to be more money for anti-smoking programs, people have to smoke MORE. You go, government!

--The movie "Brokeback Mountain" added a new dimension to the term "cowpoke."

--I wish Rachael Ray would go away.

--Why do people talk about "free gifts" and "new records?" A gift that isn't free isn't a gift, and all records are new at the time they're set.

--And while we're at it, all you dopes out there who are in the habit of saying "I could care less" are saying the opposite of what you mean.

--Has anyone thought of starting a "Vegetable Rights" movement and demonizing vegetarians as plant-killers? I think I'd be willing to pay $7 to watch some sleazy lawyer representing artichokes in a class-action suit against Whole Foods. And don't you think you wouldn't find a lawyer willing to take that case, either.

--Why does northern California passionately hate southern California, while southern California simply ignores northern California? (I think I may have just answered my own question.)

--If dogs are so loyal, why is it that they'll drop you like a hot potato the moment somebody walks into the room carrying food?

--Would someone tell me why in the heck I can remember, word-for-word, a Ford Motor Company jingle dating from 1961, but I can't remember where I put my car keys?

--Since we all know that a police car with lights flashing will always attract a crowd, why don't the police turn their lights off when they arrive at the scene of an emergency? It would save them having to say "Come on folks, break it up."

--My wife assures me that watching ballplayers grab their crotches on TV is not a turn-on. Maybe they ought to quit doing it, or is this something the Player's Union has already made part of their contracts?

--Most opera singers are ordinary-looking people. A glamorous figure like Anna Netrebko is the exception, not the rule. So why do opera telecasts give us so many close-ups of people who are no more attractive than the rest of us? It adds new meaning to "warts and all."

--What possible difference does it make if my airline seat is inclined six-and-a-half percent, which is about as far back as they go, at landing? Yet flight attendants patrol the aisles like storm troopers on final approach, insisting that you "bring your seat to the upright position." It already almost is.

--Child-proof pill bottles are also adult-proof. Anyone care to dispute that?

--Here's one I've brought up before: how come books are shipped mummified in bubble-wrap as if they were breakable?

--I work part-time at a job where I go to work at 2:30 p.m. So how come they gave me a parking permit that's only good after 3:30? (Hint: it's a government agency.)

--Whose stupid idea was it to give the Nobel Prize to Al Gore? As if he didn't already have a big enough head.

--We Americans are always taking heat for being the last nation on earth that still hasn't gone metric. Why doesn't anyone give the Brits a bad time for driving on the left side of the road?

--Would someone tell me why in hell we're supposed to care what Hollywood celebrities think about Iraq? Why are their stupid, ill-informed opinions more valid than anyone else's stupid, ill-informed opinions?

--I don't care what anybody says: computers do have a will, and their will is to do evil.

--If the Devil is so smart, why is it that throughout the Bible and even in legends like Faust, he keeps making those sucker bets with God that he has to know he's going to lose?

--The chase scene in the Michael Caine movie The Italian Job, involving three Mini-Coopers, is the only chase scene in all cinematic history that's truly laugh-out-loud funny.

--Why doesn't pianist Naoko Takao have her own website? I've never heard her play, but if her playing is as gorgeous as she is, she ought to have a website. She could have groupies.

--Chevy Chase's old line, "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not," wasn't funny. Ever.

--George Will's classic quip that football combines two of the worst features of American life, violence and committee meetings, has been repeated too often. And that's too bad, because it's a truly great quip.

--The truest thing Bill Cosby ever said was, "There's nobody more wide-awake at 11:00 in the morning than a bunch of five-year-old kids."

--My friend Debbie Therrien has never considered herself attractive, and I've never understood why. She's drop-dead gorgeous and so are her daughters.

--"Vanity publishing" shouldn't be called that. If you're willing to pay out of pocket to get your book into print, you're obviously doing it for love, not profit. On the other hand, if you persuade a "legitimate" publisher to publish your book for you by giving some snot-nosed editor a blow job, well, that should be called "prostitution publishing." Frankly I'd rather cough up the 600 bucks.

--Why do football players smack each other on the ass? If you or I did that at the office, well, as they say, let's not go there.

--And finally, most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. So why is it that women persist in asking us which, out of the 47 pairs of shoes they own, would look best with the outfit they have on?