Take Notes, There's Going To Be A Quiz Next Period

Okay, everybody, listen up.

Old K.D. has been kicking around this big blue marble for more than 52 years, and he's picked up some truths you can live by. Get out your pencils. And there won't be any obvious ones you've heard before, like the one about washing your car as a guarantee of rain.

We all know that, don't we?

No, these are things I've noticed that I haven't noticed anyone else noticing.

-- My father lived to be 91. And of all the experiences he had in his long life, the following may be the most worthy of note. Dad started out as a Republican. Richard Nixon turned him into a Democrat. Three years of working for a Democratic state senator turned him back into a Republican.

-- Among the significant differences between women and men is that women tend to hug themselves while they walk down the street, while men shove their hands in their pockets.

-- Among the significant differences between women and men is that men generally can't resist the meat and potatoes, while women generally can't resist the dessert tray.

-- Contrary to popular myth, women and men tend to be slobs in equal numbers. I've known tidy women and sloppy men, but I've also known plenty of fastidious men and women who treated their surroundings as one gigantic dumpster.

-- Dogs may be more openly affectionate than cats, but they're also more high-maintenance. You can leave your cat alone for a weekend provided you leave him with enough food, water and litter. Don't try that with a dog.

-- Abstract art is a con game, period. My first wife liked to paint, and she was good at it. Still is. One day when I was serving at the American Embassy in Brasilia, they hung an abstract painting in the lobby for which the U.S. State Department had paid $5,000 under the official "Art In Embassies" program. The DCM, looking at it, asked me, "What do you think, Kelley?" I replied, "I think my wife could have done it and she would have charged you $200 for her time." He wasn't pleased with that answer, but that was my moment of "speaking truth to power."

-- Life has gotten too damn complicated when rearranging your furniture so you don't trip over it is called "Feng Shui."

-- Black America gave America, and the world, America's best music and also its worst. The best is of course jazz. The worst is rap, a one-syllable word for barnyard noise. Make that sociopathic barnyard noise.

-- Starbucks is as much a con game as abstract art. What idiot wants to pay $4 for a cup of coffee? I'll pause here while you count the idiots, and there aren't enough hours in the day. Listen, folks. Michelle Malkin thinks Dunkin' Donuts makes great coffee. She may be right; I've never tried theirs. But I can tell you this for certain: for my money, the fast-food outlet with the best coffee is Burger King. Every Burger King I've ever walked into, whether in Spokane, Washington, Fredericksburg, Virginia or Munich, Germany had GREAT coffee.

-- Paris in the spring is well and good. Been there, done that. But for my money (and I'd better have plenty of it) there's no place quite like Moscow in the late spring. You heard me right. Moscow, the capital of the Russian Federation. The best time to visit Moscow is in late May/early June. Winter has been over for a couple of months by then; the weather is generally mild, everything's in bloom and you have about 20 hours of daylight owing to the fact that you're at latitude 56 North. The Seine is wonderful, but there's nothing quite like strolling along the Moscow River in full view of St. Basil's cathedral at 10 p.m. when it's still broad daylight. Believe me, it's worth looking at Vladimir Putin's sour puss to experience this. And don't fail to get out of town and experience the Russian countryside in the late spring. But take PLENTY of mosquito repellent.

-- If you're going to put air in the tires of your car, make sure you have a handful of quarters. Air isn't free any more.

-- When you go to a baseball game, take public transportation if at all possible. That way you can enjoy the ninth inning without having to worry about getting caught in a rush of traffic on the way out. And you'll save at least 15 bucks on parking.

-- I never cared for Mary Tyler Moore in the first place, and the older she gets, the more she looks like Tom Petty.

-- Martina Navratilova already looks like Tom Petty.

-- Don't go to first-run movies. Why pay $9 to sit in a glorified closet staring at a screen the size of your garage door, and have to sit through 15 minutes of commercials before the film starts? Wait till the damn thing comes out on DVD, rent it, and watch it at home in your underwear. You'll save a drive, you'll be more comfortable, and you can mute the commercials.

-- Speaking of that, the mute button was the greatest invention of modern times, and the cellphone the most obnoxious.

-- Don't reheat coffee in the microwave. It gets cold too fast. Throw it out and make a fresh pot.

-- Scotch whiskey melts ice cubes faster than any other kind of liquor. Don't ask me why. But I have this from a guy who once tended bar as well as from personal experience.

-- Buttered toast really will land on the floor butter-side down eight times out of ten.

-- The best rag to clean windows with is newspaper. Makes 'em sparkle like gems. Now remember you heard that from me, not from Martha Stewart.

-- If you have to put a phillips screw in a hard-to-reach place, stick a piece of chewing gum on the end of the screwdriver and mash the screw into the gum.

-- Cigar humidors are an attractive, but high-end waste of money. A plastic bag with a slice of cucumber or apple in it will keep your cigars moist better than a $200 humidor with a fancy humidification system.

-- There are certain activities you simply should not bet on. Professional wrestling comes to mind.

-- If they tell you the delivery truck will arrive "between two and four," it will arrive at 3:58.

-- Don't start making hard-boiled eggs and then start drinking liquor. Ditto anything involving hot oil -- that's a guaranteed kitchen fire.

-- Eating peanuts is OK at the ballpark, but I don't recommend it at the opera. I once wolfed down a bagful of peanuts between Acts I and II of Die Walkure, forgetting that peanuts are, technically, beans and not nuts. Act II of Die Walkure was never so long. (And believe me, it's long.)

-- If you're getting ready to buy a house, unless it's a one-story house, check and make sure there's a bathroom on the first floor.

-- Never buy a house anywhere near a hospital or a fire station. The sirens all day will drive you nuts.

-- Ditto a house that's in the flight-approach path of an airport.

-- I'm a tough sell. Salesmen fear me. And when the Jehovah's Witnesses are ringing doorbells in my neighborhood, I deal with them the bold way. The assertive way. The macho way. I hide in the kitchen until they're gone.

-- Speaking of homegrown American religions, if you're looking to round up a work crew for a project like house painting, Mormons are a good bet. You will have NO problems with lost work due to substance abuse. These folks don't even drink Pepsi.

-- Don't try to freeze cheese. When you thaw it, you'll be sorry.

-- NEVER put red wine in the refrigerator. Kills it dead.

-- Only use animal waste for fertilizer if it comes from vegetarian animals, e.g. horses and cows. The shit of dogs, cats or any other animal that eats other animals doesn't make good manure.

-- I know this makes me sound like some old geezer from Minnesota, but the tomatoes that you grow in your back yard really do taste better than the ones that come from the store.

-- Younger sisters are a good thing to have. I used to have one.

-- The idea that dogs and cats are natural enemies is not just a myth, it's a stupid one. It's true that dogs like to chase cats, but that's because dogs like to chase everything. We have three dogs and three cats, and they get along better with each other than I do with any of them.

-- Soft drinks may taste good, but they'll give you a gut like the ass end of a Volkswagen beetle. If you're thirsty, drink water (and filtered is cheaper than bottled.)

-- If you keep things like books, paintings, CDS and other valuables in an upstairs room, make sure you close the door every time you leave. That way when a fire breaks out in the kitchen and destroys the entire downstairs, you won't be stuck with a roomful of books, paintings, CDS and other valuables completely covered in greasy soot. (And believe me, it doesn't clean off easily.)

-- Anything you download on to your iPod, back it up somewhere. iPods swoon, and they don't give any warning when they're getting ready to.

-- If you're having a quarrel with your significant other, make sure it's resolved, or at least a truce called, before you go to bed.

-- Pancakes and bacon actually make a very good quick supper. I recommend them with ice-cold Blue Nun.

-- If you're picking up a friend for work, get your ass out of the car and go knock on the door. Don't sit in the middle of the street like a spaz, honking your horn and waking up all of his neighbors.

-- On a related subject, if you deliver newspapers for a living, keep your goddamn voice down. Not everyone else is up at 5:30 a.m.

-- The difference between "having coffee" and "having A coffee" is not just a semantic distinction between a down-to-earth red stater and a hoity-toity blue stater. "Coffee" is the stuff that comes out of a Folgers can and is served in a mug. "A coffee" is a one-ounce shot of espresso, consumed with extended pinky in a cup the size of a large thimble. Everybody got that?

-- Sex is great, but as lingering pleasures go, it can't hold a candle to revenge.

-- Never go sky-diving with someone who was known in your fraternity for practical jokes.

-- Don't lift the lid until you hear the toilet gurgle.

-- If you have dogs, purchase Carpet Fresh, Formula 409 and paper towels by the case-lot.

-- Cancel your cable television service and pick up a book. And I said a BOOK, not a "Kindle."

-- When your dog, cat or any other pet reaches age 15, give it a hug and a cuddle every day.

-- Don't store your cutting board where you keep the bug spray and the ammonia cleaner.

-- Trust, but verify.



--

--