More Points to Ponder

Greetings, woolgatherers...

Today we're going to play another round of that fun game, "Questions to which there are probably no good answers."

Ever wonder about this (I have, which gives you an indication of how much time I often have on my hands) Why is it that big shots in the FBI and CIA so often go by names that begin with an initial? Count 'em: J. Edgar Hoover. L. Patrick Gray. W. Mark Felts (aka Deep Throat.) E. Howard Hunt. G Gordon Liddy. What's up with that, anyway?

And while we're on the subject of initials, why don't we call presidents by their initials any more? We had FDR, JFK and LBJ, but since then we haven't had any ABCs, M&Ms or PDQs (Although we've had plenty of SOBs.) And by the way, who decided in those days which presidents would get "initial" designation and which wouldn't? FDR was always FDR. But his successor, Harry Truman, was rarely if ever referred to as "HST," and no one ever called Eisenhower DDE, although in his case, they'd already been using "Ike" for years. Clinton might have been "WFJ," although the Democratic party bosses might just as easily have nixed that for sounding too much like "WFB," the common moniker of the late, great William F. Buckley Jr., who generally had little praise for Democrats. As for Bush the younger, I'd be just as welling to bet that the media would not go along with "GWB," since around Washington, "GW" implies "George Washington," as in "GWU," and you can just bet the media wouldn't want people associating Dubya with the Father of His Country.

The lids on German beer steins are a pretty decoration, but what function do they serve? To keep the beer warm? Maybe in Great Britain, where they like their beer warm, but as far as I know they don't use them there.

Bumpers on cars used to be made of metal. That was to protect you in the case of a collision. What bloody good do plastic bumpers do anybody?

Some of my friends in radio will send me flaming e-mails for saying this, but what function do disc jockeys actually serve? Most people I know who turn on the radio to listen to music want to listen to music, not some moron hyperventilating between the tunes. If you want to listen to hyperventilating, go over to AM and tune in talkity-talk radio. At least over there, they're hyperventilating about something.

Whenever I attend a symphony concert, I always find myself wondering why anyone would want to become a professional bassoon player. Percussionists have fun, and double-bass players can work night jobs in jazz clubs, but what's the attraction of the bassoon? I'd think double-reed players would gravitate toward something a little sexier. Even the oboe once appeared in a Sonny and Cher song.(Remember? "Babe...Mmmp-ahh-ahh-mmp-ahh-ahh-mmp-ahh-ahh-mmp-ahh-ahh...I got you, babe!" Those "Mmp-aah-ahhs" were made by an oboe.)

I think Andy Rooney asked this one once, but why do the makers of bathroom fixtures construct bathtub-shower combinations in such a way that the built-in soap dish is directly in the line of fire of the shower nozzle? The water cascades directly down on to the soap, drastically shortening its soap-life.

Speaking of manufacturing, I can understand why automobile manufacturers would equip the dashboards of cars with gauges showing your speed and engine temperature. You need to know how fast you're going, and anyone would want to know if their car was getting ready to overheat. But why do they include a separate gauge for RPMs? When was the last time you worried about your RPMs? I suspect this is a sop to us guys, made on the assumption that we're all fantasising as we drive about being Dale Earnhardt Jr. or Tony Kanaan. Not me, guys. I'm fantasising about retirement and my dream life as an aging surfer dude on the coast of Baja California.

For 40 years now I've been looking at the disclaimers on boxes of cereal and crackers
that say, "This package is sold by weight, not by volume. If it does not appear full when opened, it is because the contents have settled during shipping and handling." Well, duh. When was the last time you saw someone in the check-out line at Safeway yelling that the box of Triscuits they bought yesterday wasn't full? I think this controversy was laid to rest during the Kennedy Administration, guys. Can we move on?

Has anyone ever really looked up the word "Aardvark" in the dictionary? Or its opposite number, "Zymosan?"

How come the idea of a universal remote control has yet to catch on? It seems like a no-brainer to me. Wouldn't you rather have one remote control in your family room than 52 of the goddamn things?

Here's one I have pondered on the telephone with my good friend Holly, who is raising teenagers. Why is that we adults tend to slow down at the end of the day, while kids seem to start revving up at sundown?

iPods are well and good if you're talking about listening to some tunes while you're running on the treadmill at the gym, but what kind of nitwit would want to watch a Bruce Willis movie on a two-inch screen? Never mind, I think I just answered that one.

Cold air goes down. Warm air goes up. So why is my heating unit in the attic and my air conditioner outside on the lawn?

Whenever I go to Starbucks (which I seldom do) I see all those pretty little ceramic espresso cups lined up behind the counter. Does anyone ever get to use them? They always hand me my coffee in a cardboard cup.

Speaking of a/c, Congress used to take off the whole month of August because Washington was unbearable in August with its heat and humidity. But every federal building in this town is air-conditioned now. Why do we still let Congress take August off?

Does anyone really CARE that Reese Witherspoon's new boyfriend has MOVED IN WITH HER, pant, pant pant? Geeze.

The Germans pioneered lots of things, from counterpoint in music to ballistic missile technology. Why can't they make a toilet? I spent four years in Germany, and anyone who's been there knows what I'm talking about. German toilets come in two models. I call them the ski-slope and the shelf. The ski slope requires scrubbing every time you use it because the water forms a little pool at the bottom and what gets dumped into it tends to stick to the sides. As for the shelf, well, as the kids are saying now, we won't go there.

Why are used cars no longer called used cars? Now they're all "pre-owned." It's the same thing, isn't it? Calling a spade a diamond doesn't make it a diamond, and a lemon by any other name...

Why don't Americans take siestas after lunch? I've lived and worked in countries where they do, including Brazil and Ivory Coast. It's a wonderful custom, but goes against the old Protestant work ethic, I guess. When I was a federal employee, I used to take a siesta every afternoon, sometimes right at my desk, and nobody noticed. That was probably the greatest thing about being a federal employee.

And finally, why do the newspapers make a big deal about a total solar eclipse when it's only going to be visible in Chile, Lesotho or Inner Mongolia? I don't get that.

If anyone has answers to any of these queries, post 'em here.